THE DOG DAYS OF SUMMER
The NHL playoffs-done. NBA rigged! Now it’s just Major League Baseball and NASCAR, which has its next 8 races at Pocono Speedway or at tracks where they have to turn left and right. What the hell is that about? I know what you’re thinking, maybe I should start working out more, or maybe I should read that Fifty Shades of Grey book that everyone’s been talking about? I know this is my first contribution to BlogSoHard, but please take my advice, working out is for professional weirdo’s and “50 shades” is popular only in that “I haven’t found internet porn yet” crowd.
Luckily we in the nation’s capital and surrounding areas don’t have to suffer this summer, and luckily for me, my fridge is stocked to the brim with ice cold brew ha-ha-has. Follow BlogSoHard as we show you all the sporting events that you need to hit this summer right in your very own back yard.
June 27th-30th Congressional Country Club, Bethesda, Maryland
Tiger is out, but that just leaves more questionable women for you Blog So Hard readers to prey on. Big names are still there though, including Adam Scott, Jim Furyk, Rickie Fowler, Angel Cabrera, Jason Day, K. J. Choi, Brandt Snedeker, and Hunter Mahan. Congressional Country Club is beautiful and since its open to the public this weekend, it’ll probably be the only time your freaks can get in. Me personally, since I’m a country bumpkin, I’m going to lather myself with this deer spray I got recently from Cabela’s and walk around with Vijay Singh all weekend. Vijay goes out at 7:16 on Thursday, so I’m a hair late for the party.
July 8th 1st Mariner Arena, Baltimore, Maryland
What more do I have to say? It’s RAW time. Now that we know that Jack Swagger won’t be going to jail (for partying-so-hard), will he and Zeb Colter be attending? The immigration debate in Washington is about to be in full swing. The analysis of Colter is exactly what we need! Colter/Clinton 2016!!!!??????
Baltimore Charm vs. Cleveland Crush
July 12th 1st Mariner Arena, Baltimore, Maryland
Now you can ask anybody that knows me, I hate a couple of professional sports teams with a passion. The Yankees, Cowboys, and of course my arch-nemesis, the she-devils, the Cleveland Crush. Outside Linebacker Darcy Thompson I do not hate you though. If you have not been to a Charm game yet, shame on you! I mean the Charm’s quarterback’s last name is Rypien for Christ sake! It might be blasphemy in Baltimore, but this is the best team in the city. I just got my Charm Wide Receiver Alley Dickey jersey/bra and will be in the front row of this one yelling “Let’s go Dickey” for however long it takes.
CONCACAF Gold Cup 2013 Quarterfinals
July 21st M&T Bank Stadium, Baltimore, Maryland
The jewel of the summer if you ask me. The United States first plays Cuba and then Costa Rica. If we somehow get to the Quarters, play Martinique in the Quarters, I like our chances in the Quarters. Question here is how many airplane bottles can I fit into my cowboy boots and how can Klinsmann not play to our strengths? DeMarcus Beasley it was good seeing you again!
LPGA International Crown
July 21st-27th Caves Valley, Owings Mill, Maryland
Now this is where it gets tricky and definitely where those left over airplane bottles from the previous event will come in handy. The first annual International Crown should be somewhat….. something….. to see. Eight countries will be battling for the first-ever crown. If I make it to the back nine, a) it means that Paula Creamer is playing b) I haven’t been thrown out yet, or c) the event is awesome and I’m just an asshole. Either way I get to go somewhere and shout U.S.A, U.S.A! And yes South Korean team I will be yelling that in the middle of your back swings all day.
Chincoteague Pony Swim
July 24th Chincoteague Island, Virginia
There is just something about horses racing in water that gets me pumped. God I hope one of the horses is named Earnhardt. If for nothing else, this event is right on Hump Day. You can tell your boss “it’s a Virginia tradition that can’t be missed,” and somehow would not be lying. Get your kayak out, go to the beach, and bet on some horses. This isn’t brain surgery.
Citi Open Tennis
July 27th-August 4th Washington, D.C
ESPN and the whole sporting world doesn’t do tennis justice with its coverage. Tennis, on the men’s and women’s sides is absolutely incredible right now-more on that in later blogs. Both sides come to D.C in a U.S Open primer and I can’t wait. Serena, Maria, and Victoria are out. Rafa, Roger, Andy, and Novak are also out of this one. Who cares when you’ve got Gael Monfils, Sloane Stephens, J.W. Tsonga, and Mardy Fish coming to town!
Brush up on your obscenities in other languages. It’s obviously very classy to call these Eastern European tennis players, dirty fucking communist ass-clowns in their own language. Also when you are being escorted out by the Citi Open security staff you can really let them have it without getting too much pepper spray in the eyes.
August 10th Shenandoah, Virginia
There is not going to be any Matt Kenseth’s or Jimmie Johnson’s at this race, no big sponsors, or three hour pre-race festivities. Nope you’re likely to be cheering for a guy name Skeeter, who is sponsored by his own lawn care business, while driving a 1992 Chevy Lumina that has 3 different colors of rust on it. And you will be extremely drunk. Exactly what racing should be.
The Great Bull Run
August 24th Petersburg, Virginia
If you have nothing to do on August 24th and you do not go down to Petersburg, VA, then you sir/mam are a complete moron in every sense of the word. Running with the Bulls? A tomato fight? Beer? Medical Marijuana? Live music? Seriously as a world class hillbilly I’ve never been more excited about an event in my life. I’ve been practicing with local cows around the valley and have taken to going to local farmers markets and testing out my aim at the unsuspecting hippies. If George W. Bush was standing on an Air Craft carrier telling me this is why we invaded Iraq, I’d be screaming four more years, four more years. We might be stealing this from Spain, but I know this is going to be 100% American fun.
August 31st The Howard Theater, Washington, D.C
Ah, push it, ah, push it
Ooh, baby, baby, baby, baby
Ooh, baby, baby, baby, baby
Grand Prix of Baltimore
September 1st The Streets
To end your summer of sports bliss we go right to the mean streets of Baltimore. The Indy Racing League is back for a cruise through downtown Baltimore. It really makes you question the 25 mph speed limit that we have to abide by all year when some guy from San Paulo, Brazil can come in and go 200 mph on the same streets. If you’ve ever gotten a speeding ticket in the City of Baltimore come on down and watch hypocrisy at work. American style. I’m just hoping to hear something like this from one of the race announcers. “Alex Tagliani and Sebastian Bourdais tangle, one’s in the air, one just wrecked into a Hip Hop Fish and Chicken restaurant.” I think that would make my summer just about perfect.